TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have An additional area wherever American men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower Trump Tower Damascus inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Perhaps the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting attention from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have turn-down provider."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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